Beer And Pork

So...today, I believe I may have reached the epitome of redneckdom. At 3 in the afternoon....I cracked open a cold beer. Ten minutes later, I decided that a pork chop sounded like a little piece of heaven....so I made one. Five minutes later, my first beer was gone and I went in for the second.

Please keep in mind that I have class in two hours....but don't worry, I'm not driving....I'm just going so I can sign the attendance sheet.

What started this mid day boozefest you ask? Chris's car. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I've been nothing but nice to it...I cleaned out the inside, I washed it, I ordered a new hubcap, I vacuumed it, I gave it a full tank of gas, and checked the check engine light when it came on. And what does that bitch do to me today? I'm cruising into my driveway after the carwash and fillup.....and all of a sudden....I notice smoke ROLLING out from under the motherfuckin hood. So I sit there perplexed for a few minutes and just watch....then when I get out to check it....it's the radiator hose...took a big ol' craparoo. So I call up the Zone...and have JoeJoe check on the hose for me...good, they've got one. But do I want to put it on? Nosir, I do not. So Joe is gonna come this way after work and put it on for me. This is certain to cause an uproar in the Newby/Hoffman relationship...because there is somewhat less than love between Joe and Chris...too bad. The car needs fixed, and while technically, I COULD do it....I don't want to...and I want it done now. now. So that's the way it's gonna be. And I suppose I'll deal with the aftermath later...ok....

Platypus

I'm sitting in physiology...ya know, you'd think that since I'm retaking this class that I would be paying attention. But no...instead I brought my laptop so I could screw around and not have to listen. Oh well...I'll be fine.

At any rate...I have been informed that it has been too long since my last entry and I'm due for one. So for this one, I'll do a quick update.

This weekend was dreadful. I don't really feel like talking about it, but those of you who are close enough already know what's been going on. I really appreciate all your condolences, sympathy, prayers and thoughts...you guys are all great.

On a much happier note, Chris and I doing well. We will be moving in together next semester and are currently looking for apartments. I forgot what a colossal pain in the ass apartment hunting is....I'm pretty sure I'd rather live in a fucking van down by the river if it meant no more apartment hunts. Ah well, it'll be nice I have it all settled. I hate leaving Kassity though...she's become one of my good friends over the course of this year...and I'm really gonna miss her. (And yes, Kass, I know you're reading this). I've apologized a million times, but at the same time I'm pretty sure that if she could live with her lover, she'd do it too. So that makes me feel a bit better.


In completely unrelated news, here are some hilarious Mitch Hedberg quotes (I feel like I've put some of these up before, but I'm too lazy to check):

I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey: man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you. (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident."

I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Acid really messes with your mind, man. When I was on acid, I'd see things that looked like beams of light... and I'd hear things that sound an awful lot like car horns..

I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

You know when they show someone on TV washing their hair under a waterfall? That's fucking bullshit man, because that thing would knock you on your ass!

I want to be a race car passenger; just a guy who bugs the driver. "Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I stick my feet out the window? Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Man, you really like Tide ...

I find that ducks' opinions of me are very much influenced over whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on a duck ever. Like, if I worked in a convenience store, and a duck walked in and took a loaf of bread in its beak, I would let him go. I would say, "Come back tomorrow, bring your friends." When I think of a duck's friends, I think of more ducks. But, they could have like, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!

When it comes to racism, some people say, "I don't care if they are black, white, purple or green." Ah, hold on now...purple or green? You gotta draw the line somewhere. To hell with purple people! Unless they're suffocatin'... then, help 'em!